So the girls and I went to Target yesterday and got some adorably cute outfits so that we could see Santa! There's nothing like matching outfits, right? So let's get this straight - we spent the WHOLE day talking about Santa, discussing what they were going to ask him for, talking about how he takes orders from all of the millions of little boys and girls around the world (which is why we go so early...he needs a head start!), got them in the bath, washed their hair, cleaned their butts because, well, Avery poops a lot and regardless of the industrial strength wiping and repeating, it stinks. We rehearsed what they would ask him for (Morgan is DESPERATE for Butterscotch the pony and can tell you that there are only two at Target, so Santa had better hurry up!), how they would sit on his lap and ask him for lots of cool stuff and get their picture taken. I have to tell them this repeatedly because if they aren't properly prepped, things go very wrong, very fast. Then we talked about how Santa has to fly his sleigh all over the world and how only good little girls get what they want because Lord knows that Santa has A LOT of kids to deliver to so if one is particularly naughty, well, all the better for him because he can get home in time to watch Survivor. But essentially, this is the first Christmas that I am able to really enjoy it with my kids because Morgan isn't afraid of men or of men with beards anymore and because Avery is old enough to get it. Yay for me!
So I looked online at the Brookfield Square website (our local mall). It said that beginning November 5th, Santa would be there blah blah blah days of the week and Sundays 9-6. 9-6?!?!?! That's awesome, I thought as I surfed the web on a Friday night! We can go to Target on Saturday and get pretty little outfits (amongst other things!), get baths, then get to the mall at 9 before all of the church going folk who will bring their well dressed kids to see Santa for baby Jesus' birthday when they are dong singing praises of joy. We are such heathens. We would beat them to the present giver of all present givers! That's what you get for going to church - LINES!!!!!
Well, Sunday morning was filled with excitement! Morgan actually woke up earlier than Avery, which NEVER happens!!! She was so excited to go see Santa that she could barely contain herself! She didn't even want to wait for Avery to wake up! Eating breakfast came in a close second to going to the mall! And secretly, I was so excited for this! We didn't even go see Santa last year because Morgan was so scared! I just realized that I ended every sentence with an exclamation point! That's how exciting this was for her!!!! (more exclamation points...deal with it.)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I brushed Morgan's hair, Avery got up, they got dressed, we ate, then, dun dun dun.......WE WOKE UP DAN!!!!! No way he couldn't be happy about the little matching outfits! And he was! They were so cute!!! (yes, more exclamation points!). But jeez, they were so excited to go! We got to the mall and took note of the very few cars that were in the parking lot. Now, the mall technically opens at 11am, and Santa gets there at 9. But I figured that was to help control the ridiculously long and bratty lines that happen out of nowhere when you blink your eyes. So there we were, at 9:00 on the nose, walking in to the mall towards the Santa set up. Well, we didn't see it! (Our bad. It was actually there, but remember that the mall is closed and all of the kiosks were covered with green tarp, much like the Santa seat.....more to come on that). We walked towards the food court...nothing. Dan checked his phone to be sure I didn't screw up the date/time....nope. I had it right according to the website (of course!). Got back to the the greenly coated kiosks of stupidity and saw......THE SANTA SET UP IS HERE!!!! SANTA!!!!!! YAY!!!!!
Running in slow motion, with "Chariots of Fire" in our noggins (because the kids know it), we hauled patootie towards the red electronic ticker tape that echoed what I already knew - Santa Sunday 9-6. Yes, folks, it was there, too. Was Santa?! No!!!!!!!!!!!! That fat bastard wasn't there!!!!!!
So we asked the Starbucks people if they knew the deal, but they were probably still high from the night before and had no clue what was going on. They gave me the number for mall security (yeah, I know how stupid that is). I called it anyway. They were probably still drunk from the night before, because the only information they could give me was, "I'm sorry m'am, but the mall doesn't open for business until 11am. If the sign says that he will be there at 9am, I'm sorry that's it's misleading (me = WTF? misleading? It's LYING!!!!!), but if the mall doesn't open until 11am then Santa probably won't be there until 11am".
My response?
"Sir, it is November 18th. The website says he is here on Sundays at 9-6. You mean to tell me that last weekend, the 11th, if Santa wasn't here at 9, that no one complained? "
"No, m'am, they didn't...All I can tell you is that the mall open at 11am, and if...."
Me? CLICK.
So Dan looked it up online. 9-6.
We waited for 30 minutes. Nothing.
Do you know how difficult it is to entertain two kids (and worst of all, Avery?!?!?!?!) in a mall with nothing to do?!?!?!?!?!
Here is the empty Santa seat....then me in it!
I should have taken a picture of the time on the electronic red ticker tape!
We walked around the mall for a bit thinking that the late man in red would be there soon. The girls found the bugaboos.
So we went to McD's across the street and chowed down. But that's when Morgan started expressing the idea that she wanted to go home.
Um, yeah, NO!
Dan? Let's just go home...
Um, yeah, NO!
We got all excited, got baths, dressed up, got up early, drove all the way here, practiced what we wanted to say....NOT GOING HOME!
So we went to Best Buy and fiddled around there...
NOT F-ing Santa.
Buying more crap we don't need.
More "I wanna go home and watch my new movie that we just got for no reason at Best Buy other than that we are here and it has a horse on the front cover". And from Avery, " I want a movie too! I want that one! (no, it's 20 bucks. Pick a cheap one). I want this one! (no, that's 15 bucks. Pick a 5 dollar one). So after picking everything in the store that was over 10 dollars, I finally got her to choose a 5 dollar Elmo movie which she proceeded to bite and walk around with in her mouth for 30 minutes. Why not, I suppose?
I turned to Dan and said, "Are you ready to go back now?"
"What? We're not going back".
"Um, yes we are! That's why we were wasting all this time out here so we didn't have to go home".
(Not happy. High blood pressure. High anxiety. Frown lines.)
Morgan: "I wanna go home".
Me: "NO WAY! We are going back to that ridiculously incompetent mall and you are going to sit on that fat idiot's nasty lap and tell him all of the stupid crap that you want to play with and he'll smile and laugh and smell like stale beer and you'll sit there and smile and LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(that didn't actually happen).
We went back.
There was a line.
Um, no.
I marched right up to that photography elf and told her our entire sordid story of pain and suffering. I even looked emphatically and sorrowfully at the people at the front of the line to soften the blow that was about to occur - we were going first. Yes, that's right people who got here at 10am. We were here at 9am and had to deal with these two like-dressed little balls of energy and we don't DO lines because we all know what happens when you tell Avery to sit still (airplanes???? I want to vomit even thinking about it) and with all of my complaining, anger, and woe, we went first. Oh...did I mention that the big guy wasn't even there yet? Yeah, his freaking sleigh got stuck in traffic because his GPS broke. So at the moment the elf apologized to us, Ol' St. Nick came waddling in with, what looked like, a 64 oz coffee mug (I'm sure it was coffee), and he plopped his fat ass down in my chair and looked at my kids with a big smile! I scowled at him and hurriedly corralled the kids in his general direction. Morgan had no problem telling him what she wanted. As she dictated her list to the last detail, I was busy trying to make Avery go near him. She was making that "face". That "eyebrow up eyes down hooded grimace" that only Avery can make. She wasn't so sure anymore. In my mind? Oh HELL no! You're gonna go tell that big red tomato what you want for Christmas if it kills me!
Avery, go tell him what you want. Come on. Just go. You only get presents if you tell him. I will stand right next to him. I'm right here. Okay, Morgan, that's enough - leave stuff for other kids - Avery...GO!!!!!
And then the most irritating and frustrating and adorable moment of Avery's little life:
Avery: "I want, um, um, um, I want, I want, um, I want, I want, I want, um, um. (oh shit, are you serious?) I want, um, um, um, um, um, I want a (yes, yes baby who has no problem talking and is now for some reason breaking down when the moment really matters) a, um, a, I want (this better be freaking good!) um, a, um, a, I want, (holy shit), um, a, um, a, I want a PURPLE MARBLE."
WHAT?! WTF?! A PURPLE MARBLE? WE JUST SPENT THREE MINUTES LISTENING TO YOU STAMMER YOUR WAY THROUGH ONE FREAKING SENTENCE AND I KNOW YOU WANT A TON OF OTHER SHIT AND THIS IS WHAT YOU SAY? A PURPLE FREAKING MARBLE?!
Dear God, it's me, Chrissy. It's been 20 years since my last confession. I realize that I've done a lot of really stupid shit over the last 20 years, God, so I understand that Avery asking for a purple marble for Christmas must be really funny to you. And I'm a funny girl, so I guess I forgive you for your sense of humor. In a way, I don't blame you. I deserve every bit of karma I have coming my way. Avery was a good "gotcha!"
It was both funny and frustrating. Well, when ISN'T it? My life is tragically funny - Wally, much?
The things the kids say are hysterically poignant - like when Dan is freaking out in the front seat of the car and Avery says, "Don't worry, Daddy, it will be okay". Or when Morgan calls Dan out on his craziness and puts him on the naughty chair. "Oh, Daddy! You're so mean at this game! You're so rude!"
I'll have to do more recording of the "little comments" that they make. It's totally worth it.
So I got them close enough to Santa for a picture. Neither of them was very excited about sitting on his lap, which I guess makes sense. What girl in her right mind would want to sit on some random dude's lap, especially when he stinks? Avery was still a little funky about the whole thing, so it took a few minutes (much to the people waiting SECOND - hahaha - in line's chagrin) to get the girls stationary and looking in the same direction. All Avery wanted was the evil elf's Christmas Elmo that she was using to make the girls look at the camera. With every shake of his annoying head (no shaken baby syndrome there, unfortunately), Avery kept walking TOWARDS the camera! "Eh, I want Elmo! Whaa, I wanna hold him!" (shake, shake, shake, "look up here girls!") But all Avery wanted was the stupid Elmo.
So we gave it to her. Of course.
Well, anyway, here's the freaking Santa photo. Die, Santa. Die.
On our way home?
More antics:
Yeah, she's something, alright. Something special!
Merry F-ing Christmas.
