The Flies are the Lords...The Sequel AKA "The Usual Suspects"

You have GOT to be kidding me...

It's possible that my fly dilemma can get any worse? Really? For real?

Yup.

And it's all my fault.

I left a bag of rinsed off red grapes in the sink to dry. Apparently too long. Because we are now completely infested with...

FRUIT FLIES!

They literally STALK their prey. Whether it be the grapes, a cup of juice, a glass of wine, or the fabulously criminal apple cider-in-a-wine bottle-with-a-funnel-trap that I made, here's their typical Modus Operandi:

circle
disappear
dart
circle
dip
twirl
tease
land and walk closer
lift off and circle some more

(this takes about ten minutes)

then, they LAND on their prize. 

But let's backtrack a little bit. Pre-trap, I really just thought they'd go away. No can do, little buggers. Adult flies can lay 500 eggs at a time, and apparently they really like to reproduce. Because all of a sudden we went from a few to thousands!!!! Everywhere! You move, they alight and swirl around. You try clapping your hands and squashing them, you look like you either have turrets or schizophrenia. YOU know they're there, but no one else sees them. Psycho, maybe?! Yeah. They'll do that to you.

(Note: I'm sitting at the island right now, clapping at flies. I see them in my peripheral vision. I clap really fast. And POOF. Nothing. Like Verbal Kint says in one of my favorite movies, "The Usual Suspects":
"After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone."

Yeah, they're that for real.

So last night, with thousands of little itty bitty tiny twerps dancing around in the kitchen, a scary thought occurred to me. Where are they when I'm sleeping? Up my nose? In my ears? My mouth?!?!?!?!! NOOOOOOO!!

I tried spraying them with 409. No go.
Tried whacking at them with wet paper towels.
Tried waiting until they landed and then whacking with wet paper towels.
Tried windex.
Tried wasp spray (bad idea)
Tried soapy water in a dish

Went online.

Made the trap previously mentioned. Watched them circle, swarm, go in, and DIE!!!!!! YES!!!!!

But not all of them. Sure, plenty. But not all. Do you remember the part where they lay up to 500 eggs? Well, they've hatched and are here right now. 

I would include a picture, but my phone is acting up and doesn't like to send them right now. So just picture a big wine bottle with apple cider vinegar in it and a little funnel with a disgusting amount of bugs in it. I dumped it out and started anew. But they're still all around me right now.

So I am literally sitting here WITH MY VACUUM CLEANER, turning it on every minute or so to dart at the air with the greatest of ease. Picture it. Sitting at the island, kids running around in the background playing horsie and kitty, dogs barking out the front window, and me typing, stopping every now and then to CLAP at them or turn on the vacuum and SUCK THE SHIT OUTTA THESE LITTLE BRATS! I wonder how it feels to be sucked into a ginormous vacuum?But really, there are enough still stalking me to make me feel like I should probably call Orkin sometime soon. Because all I need are the little infesters to find my juicy boogers and lay their eggs there.

I guess I'm not sleeping tonight.

Gonna perch myself on the sofa with my trusty Hoover and go to war.

Party on, Wayne.

P.S. I walked away from my wine glass and forgot to cover it. Five minutes, max. Came back and it was littered with them! At least 25-30 INSIDE the glass. Yay for Hoover, he's my pal!

Ugh.

Funny Videos of Avery Being "Avery"

First, some dizzy spinning!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot-lcOsMqmc



Then, cracking herself up in the car!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOTL3TF-zrg

Girls at Dance Class

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3l5gR0JeV9g

They are the super awkward ones who dance to the beat of their own drummers. They are adorably uncoordinated and goofy!

A "Normal" Day

Sure, they're typically filled with messes, tantrums, slamming doors, attitudes, but there are also some really cute moments in a day! I just like to focus on the bad stuff because it's funnier in hindsight!

So...here's Avery after a 45 minute long tantrum at Home Depot - we didn't let her get a $10.00 green metal pinwheel. COME ON!!!! $10?!?!?! For a pinwheel?!?!?! Stupid Home Depot. I had to take her back to the car while Morgan and Dan finished up the shopping, and trust me, there were tons of sobs, tears, boogers, hugs, and hyperventilating. Then she passed out.

Here?! Yeah, she's not really passed out at all. Faker!

Her hair is up and cute!

When Morgan knows I'm getting to the end of my rope, she helps out even more. Here she is feeding her "little baby" and making sure that the water goes down!

And then they made a "car" together

MOMMY! GO AWAY! (okay, fine!)

And what fun would a day be without a pseudo puppet show?! Thanks cardboard box and lunch bag!

And finally, the trampoline!!!! However, the other day the girls started to bounce, and a whole freaking swarm of wasps came storming out from underneath the tramp! GIRLS! RUN!!!!!!!! They questioned me at first, because, let's face it, why wouldn't they? But as I hysterically flailed my arms and vocally freaked out, they must have realized that something was seriously wrong, because they seemed to get the point and they fled. Thankfully, no one was hurt! Phew!!!

I went back out there at dusk, armed with a can of liquid poison, and gleefully sent those buggers to their buggy little death. HA!

Things You Wouldn't Expect (Or Maybe You Would. I Don't Know).

While I've pretty much decided to "expect the unexpected" (thanks, Big Brother: The TV Show), I must say that there are still moments that I find wonderfully adorable, strange, quirky, or blog worthy. So of course I take pictures of it all in the hopes that my family who live far, far away will have a better understanding of why I would up in a looney bin, sucking my own toes and rolling around on the cement floor in an infinity pattern, my straight jacket ties dancing behind me like some rhythmic gymnastics routine gone horribly awry.

So here are some "things you wouldn't expect" around here to tickle your funny bone and solidify one more notch in my gradual ratcheting up the kooky ladder.

#1: BEST FRIENDS FOREVER (Direct quote, there. And yes, I'll be sure to show them this when they are 13/15 and freaking the Hell out on each other).

#2: Avery's hair in pig tails!!!! It's finally growing!

#3: "MOMMY! I am so mad at you and I'm not gonna take this anymore! This is ridiculous! I'm LEAVING!" (Said because I wouldn't let her look at the pictures until I was done). What's unexpected about this attitude? I laughed at her.

#4: "But I wanted to push the buttons to make it hot! Now it will taste awful!" The unexpected? I ate the soup. Too bad.

#5: A child who climbs dangerously high up on the furniture and then devilishly Evel Kneivil's her 30 lb self halfway across the family room in a blaze of glory? Yeah. That's Avery. The unexpected? She's not wearing any pants.

#6: A child (dressed to the 9's, of course) who curls up on the floor clutching a water bottle in a seemingly cranky fit of fury? Nope. It's our new "kitty" named cupcake who likes to fetch.

Cupcake sitting and waiting for me to toss the bottle. Her movements are strangely canine, but she INSISTS that she's a cat. I don't even like cats. Where did she get this game?

"Fetching" said water bottle.

TA-DA! I'm a proud, proud mommy.

#7: A child who randomly runs in and out of the kitchen like this?

And like THIS?

#8: The girls take "gummy" vitamins, and love to play with them before they eat them. So here they are on the kitchen floor (love the style, I know), getting ready to eat the gummies.

And then this happened.

And this.

#9: It's late July. And the girls aren't wearing these coats to play. It really WAS FREAKING COLD OUTSIDE! For real. That's a real fire going in the pit.

#10: 6 chairs aren't enough. To make a regulation sized fort/barn/stable/maze/obstacle course/mess, apparently we need EVERY chair in the house.

#11: Avery won't go to bed. She's figured out how to talk to the camera (me), and even after a gazillion and one trips out of her room (I gotta tell you a question, but Mommy, I need to brush my teeth, but Mommy I have to pee more, but mommy wait I have to tell ya another question, but I need more water, but I want you to lay with me a little bit, but I want a different show, but I......), she still finds more things to do to prolong the inevitable.

Here's a video of her playing with her puppy. Please notice that she's NOT SLEEPING!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7OanIhDbhA



#12: They actually stop moving every now and then, in the middle of the day, which is a freaking miracle! Morgan passed out at 5 and I wound up carrying her up to bed, where she stayed!

#13: Morgan loves ponies! NO WAY!!!!!!

#14: Avery created her own spa, complete with hair styling, yummy food, and a foot soak!

#15: Avery likes Brussels sprouts. Really? What WON'T this kid eat?!

#16: The girls get along! Especially when Avery is a little girl named Abby and Morgan is a big girl named Kaitlyn. Yup. They even gave me a pretend name. I'm Lillia. Just so you know.

Kaitlyn feeding Abby

#17: But when Avery is the kitty named Cupcake, she likes to eat right from the bowl.

#18: Avery can be found in small boxes/spaces/things. She's some kind of contortionist. Or maybe she just has a Freudian desire to return to the womb? I don't know. She's kooky!

Here she's the "kitty" in a box and I was supposed to be a little girl who went to the pet store to go buy a kitty and I found her. I don't know why the pillow was necessary. I think because we couldn't close her in the box all the way.

And in Syd's crate. It's the faces that make her more interesting that your typical "kid in a dog crate funny pic"

"OOOOOOOOOOOO"

"EHHHHHHHHHHHH"

So there you go. 18 of the real weird happenings around this place, and of course I'm going to document them all!