The Flies are the Lords...The Sequel AKA "The Usual Suspects"

You have GOT to be kidding me...

It's possible that my fly dilemma can get any worse? Really? For real?

Yup.

And it's all my fault.

I left a bag of rinsed off red grapes in the sink to dry. Apparently too long. Because we are now completely infested with...

FRUIT FLIES!

They literally STALK their prey. Whether it be the grapes, a cup of juice, a glass of wine, or the fabulously criminal apple cider-in-a-wine bottle-with-a-funnel-trap that I made, here's their typical Modus Operandi:

circle
disappear
dart
circle
dip
twirl
tease
land and walk closer
lift off and circle some more

(this takes about ten minutes)

then, they LAND on their prize. 

But let's backtrack a little bit. Pre-trap, I really just thought they'd go away. No can do, little buggers. Adult flies can lay 500 eggs at a time, and apparently they really like to reproduce. Because all of a sudden we went from a few to thousands!!!! Everywhere! You move, they alight and swirl around. You try clapping your hands and squashing them, you look like you either have turrets or schizophrenia. YOU know they're there, but no one else sees them. Psycho, maybe?! Yeah. They'll do that to you.

(Note: I'm sitting at the island right now, clapping at flies. I see them in my peripheral vision. I clap really fast. And POOF. Nothing. Like Verbal Kint says in one of my favorite movies, "The Usual Suspects":
"After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone."

Yeah, they're that for real.

So last night, with thousands of little itty bitty tiny twerps dancing around in the kitchen, a scary thought occurred to me. Where are they when I'm sleeping? Up my nose? In my ears? My mouth?!?!?!?!! NOOOOOOO!!

I tried spraying them with 409. No go.
Tried whacking at them with wet paper towels.
Tried waiting until they landed and then whacking with wet paper towels.
Tried windex.
Tried wasp spray (bad idea)
Tried soapy water in a dish

Went online.

Made the trap previously mentioned. Watched them circle, swarm, go in, and DIE!!!!!! YES!!!!!

But not all of them. Sure, plenty. But not all. Do you remember the part where they lay up to 500 eggs? Well, they've hatched and are here right now. 

I would include a picture, but my phone is acting up and doesn't like to send them right now. So just picture a big wine bottle with apple cider vinegar in it and a little funnel with a disgusting amount of bugs in it. I dumped it out and started anew. But they're still all around me right now.

So I am literally sitting here WITH MY VACUUM CLEANER, turning it on every minute or so to dart at the air with the greatest of ease. Picture it. Sitting at the island, kids running around in the background playing horsie and kitty, dogs barking out the front window, and me typing, stopping every now and then to CLAP at them or turn on the vacuum and SUCK THE SHIT OUTTA THESE LITTLE BRATS! I wonder how it feels to be sucked into a ginormous vacuum?But really, there are enough still stalking me to make me feel like I should probably call Orkin sometime soon. Because all I need are the little infesters to find my juicy boogers and lay their eggs there.

I guess I'm not sleeping tonight.

Gonna perch myself on the sofa with my trusty Hoover and go to war.

Party on, Wayne.

P.S. I walked away from my wine glass and forgot to cover it. Five minutes, max. Came back and it was littered with them! At least 25-30 INSIDE the glass. Yay for Hoover, he's my pal!

Ugh.