Cool Stuff!

Hey all,

This is not a "funny" post nor is it any real update. Other than the fact that Morgan has bronchitis and Avery is crazy. But check out the link below. The lady's name is Candace, and she makes some pretty awesome stuff, including personalized wine glasses! And, she's a one-woman gig, so she gets back to you personally and answers all questions asap!

http://www.sweetsoutherncompany.com/

But here are a couple of Morgan from two years ago... just for fun...

Bubbles and Christmas 2011

We had a great Christmas this year! Unfortunately, a lot of the pictures that I took on my camera aren't so great because the lighting was weird all day, but I'll try to give you the general low-down!






'Twas the night before Christmas and all through our house
All my kiddies were stirring, they'd wake up a mouse.


And Avery wore all my Pink clothing with glee
In hopes that her daddy would say, "I love thee!"

And then we sat down to watch a real cute show
Little Einsteins it was, Oh, hey Rocket, let's go!

We settled down together, not a sound did we make
Let's rest now so soon slumbry sleepies we'll make

'Cause all of us know that it's not Santa dear
Who brings Christmas presents to our home every year.


It's Ronnie, our mail lady, who brings us good cheer!  :)






Since Morgan's afraid of St. Nick's fuzzy beard
And she thinks that him creeping in chimneys is weird


My kids went to sleep and they slept through the night
And awoke to some presents brought by Ronnie, that's right!

And Avery got new dolls, oh, yes, maybe three!
And don't you cry that's not a cut that you see (it's dry erase marker!)

And Morgan loves her blocks, they're so pretty, pastel
She puts them together - a big soaring castle!

But most of the good fun it happened upstairs
When Avery, a nice bath, with bubbles she shared

Morgan and cat they watched from a safe place
For God knows she won't bathe - not even her face!

Then after the bathing and bubbles were done
Avery decided to tease Morgan for fun


And Morgan did nothing but cry and place blame
Until Mommy came and said, "all the toys are the same!"

But at the day's end, we have love, that's for sure
And Mommy's cool sweatshirt, though big, Avery wore

So now it is late, Morgan and I cuddle tight (watching the Grinch!)
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! 


:)

The Usual Suspect

Time? Yesterday, December 24th, 2011. 2:45 PM. 


Location? Avery's room and the landing. A seemingly quiet day, in fact, quieter than usual. The dogs were sleeping soundly, Morgan was still napping, Avery was playing in her room, and Mommy was hanging out on the landing watching Avery play. All was right in the world, including my sanity, for once.


Then, without warning, it happened. Like A 'Clue' game gone awry, we were all of a sudden dealing with a horrific murder! But it wasn't Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the kitchen!


It was Avery with the force of gravity from the landing!




Scene of the crime?

Oh no!  BABIES DOWN! Notice the easily chalk-marked positions! I swear, I didn't arrange them there. That's how they fell. That's how they died.


Me: Avery, what happened to your dolls, honey? Aren't they going to be sad?


Avery:

What-choo-talkin-bout, Mommy?


Me: Well Avery, it seems as if your babies have all thrown themselves off of the landing, crushing their little naked bodies and contorting their pretty little limbs, and even though they appear to have looks of pure joy on their plastic faces, I can hear them screaming and gurgling their last little breaths as their tiny little non-existent hearts cease to beat. So, Avery, I'm going to ask you again...What happened to the babies?


Avery:




Me: Avery?


Avery: (hehehehehe)


Me: Okay, so let me wrap my hands around your head and magically suck the truth out of your short term memory, tapping into the ocular nerve and the pre-frontal cortex to gain access to the truth of your actions. Wait....don't move!!!! Come back here! I swear it won't hurt!


Avery: (Running in circles) I'm fast!!!


Me: Slow down ya nut!


(I have to physically tackle Avery, who really is quite fast, and then...sucking noises)


Me: I'm gonna suck the truth outta that little baby noggin of yours! You better hope that those babies jumped to their own deaths because if you threw them over that railing, I'm a little worried about your future. After all, some of the major warning signs of a troubled adulthood (even serial killer-esque) are: hurting small animals (on a daily basis), abuse (does it count if Morgan knocks her block off a few times a day?), deriving pleasure from others' pain (the babies...if she's found guilty), and lighting things on fire (hasn't happened yet). So, Avery, feed me the truth. Transfer it through my fingertips! Acquit yourself!!!


Avery's Brain:

Me: Oh, man! I'm gonna have to start sleeping with my door locked. Jeez.


Avery's mugshot:

Beautiful Is...

Realizing that nothing matters except what matters to you - like the naughty corner...

Once Avery had a naughty baby in the corner, she firmly spoke to her about her actions and how she was there because it's "not good."

Then Avery would say, "Eh, Blah blah blibby blahda...BEEP!"

Translation?
Doll: (does something wrong...hits...spits...bites...etc.)

Avery: Baby...nonononono, (runs with baby to the corner..., sits her down...says, "Beep...")

In other words, "Baby, what you did was wrong. Mommy put you in the naughty corner because _____. Stay here until it (the microwave timer) beeps."

So Avery left. Then came back and got her...repeatedly.

But regardless, this is what happens at the end of the day...This is a pic Dan took while she was sleeping last night...It's like a Woods family "Where's Waldo?"
Or in Avery's words...cuuuute...

:)

Tantrums, the Fetal Position, and A Thug's Interest in the Rotten State of Denmark

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I can almost feel all of the frustration leave my body as I exhale. Avery is in bed and Morgan is watching Ponies. But things weren't always so quiet. No, no things were much, much louder for the last few hours straight. Avery threw tantrum after tantrum because she was overtired. She didn't nap much, and believe me, that makes for one insane baby later in the day. Morgan can look at Avery the wrong way and it causes the floodgates to open. Avery could trip, drop her milk, get bumped by a dog, or even look at me and the tears rushed forth. Seriously? And I'm not exaggerating. It was every ten minutes for 2ish hours. For those of you who don't have kids and think, "2 hours is nothing!" I challenge you to heat up a meat poker and stab it into your ear while you have someone kick your shins. Same thing. But enough of that. Avery got into a parodoxical mess. How can soap be messy? Well,  she dispensed a whole bunch of my shampoo and conditioner in the shower to "clean it." She's done this before, and I remember thinking as I lay in the fetal position on the family room floor, "Where's Avery? It's awfully quiet." This is never a good thing. Yes, I know I just said that the noise is bad, but that's the screaming. I mean just general playing around and in the same room noise. So I got myself up and went looking. I crept into the bathroom as quietly as I could, and I saw her. Covered in goo. Scrubbing the shower doors with her hands. Wash on, wash off. Ah, my little karate kid!

Earlier, Krystle took this pic of Avery in the shower. I should have recognized the harbinger of destruction, but that's what I get for shaking and mumbling on the floor.

Here's just a cute moment from yesterday. Notice the smile? That was missing today.

Back to the thug life for Avery. As I've said before, this is one tough kid. Dan and I watched her go down the little slide that's in the house and at the bottom, launch herself forward onto a bean bag. Which elicited giggles from everyone! Girl is nuts! She carries all five babies at once exclaiming, "Heavy," but then proceeds to grunt like a mini weightlifter and accomplish her task. After all, she can do it herself!

Avery: It's a thug life, yo. Yeah, I'm strangling my own doll. Whatcha gonna do about it?! Huh? Does that shock you? Well let me tell you, I got my eye on you, and if you try anything to try to save this partially stuffed, partially plastic baby that has its head tied on with a quick tie like it's some sort of criminal, I'll have to serve you up a plate of whoop ass! Bring it, yo. I dare you! I may be wearing a pink shirt and a cute little bear hat that I put on backwards, but don't let the girlie exterior fool you. I grew up taking care of myself. I make my own bottles. I change my own diapers. I get the laundry done. When no one is looking I write critical literary analysis  essays on the ecosystemic relationship of all living things in the gardens of Shakespeare and Hawthorne's works (Specifically Hamlet, Othello, Rappaccini's Daughter, and The Scarlet Letter).  Yeah, that's right! Thugs can be frighteningly intelligent, too! Right now I'm studying neuroscience on the side. Just for shits and giggles. Heck, mom even lets me drive the car to Hayden's house. It's not that far. And get this...this is why I'm totally BEAST...I don't even wear a seatbelt! That's right! I'm a badass! Beat that Scrappy-Doo!

Avery: I told you...I'm keeping an eye on you...

Babies, Babies, Babies, Pulling Hair and Black Eyes...

Today was a whole lot of fun!!! I think we made it through the whole day without any tantrums! Holy cow! And...Morgan was sleeping while Avery was awake, so Avery and I had a ton of fun together...with her babies!

So...speaking of her babies, she has five. As far as I'm concerned, they're all the same. Their faces look alike, but they are all different sizes and they do different things. Some cry, some laugh, some drink "milk," but they all hang with Avery...

They watch Spongebob with her (of which she's pointing to) and let's be very clear on this. She is OBSESSED with the babies...and them being in order, next to each other, and under certain blankies....

And here are the babies in bed...

This was because Avery was extremely deliberate about the whole thing. Which baby went where. Which baby was next to the other. Which baby went where. Which blankie went first. It's obsessive.

And these are the cute moments...

Now here are the messy goofy times...

Here you will take notice of the fashion statement that is Avery. Every day I say, "Avery, what do you want to wear?" And after 20 minutes of looking and picking then changing her mind, she always settles on some sort of jacket (no shirt) and mismatched pants. If I knew that we were going out, I'd force her into something tolerable and deal with the tears, but hey, who are we kidding? If we're not going anywhere...who cares?! Plus, it's always fun to watch her run around looking silly! Speaking of which - can you tell that she had a war with some Greek yogurt? Guess who won?

Once she's full, we begin the "Where is Avery?" process. Typically it begins without my knowledge. In my mind we are hanging out in the family room watching Cinderella, and Avery is running up to bouncy balls and jumping on them, launching herself onto another trajectory that always ends with laughter, or throwing herself (repeatedly) onto a bean bag for fun, or chasing the dogs all over the house yelling, "I'm fast!!!" When I least expect it, I hear it. Usually from somewhere close by. And it usually takes a minute for me to decipher what she's saying. Here's the phonetic version of what I hear first:

Avery: Inhidiinhrrrr.

Me: (Did she just say something or was that a burp?)

Avery: HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEE...

Me: Wait a minute...where's Avery? I haven't seen her in forever (Avery...AHHHH!) Morgan, have you seen Avery anywhere?

Avery: (translated) I'm hiding here!

Morgan: Yeah, Mommy, she's right there! Don't you see her?!

Then there's the spoon display. See below...

But my favorite pic of the day has to be the one where my little thug actually looks like a thug! A quick talkin' no BS takin' sweep you under the rug and beat you back into that whack-a-mole-hole that you came from thug! Check out her shiner!

JUST KIDDING!!!!!! It's just the way the pic looked when I took it!!!



Oh wait...here's my favorite of the day...
We have toys. We have boxes. We have games. We have tupperware. We have dolls. We have...


TACO SHELLS!

Yes, this took up about 15 minutes of time today. Conversation?

Avery: Where's ears?

Me: (now keep in mind that when I turned around to see this for the first time, that I had no clue what she was up to. Yes, I leave her on the counter unattended. Judge me later). Yes, Avery...HOLY COW!!!! Look at those taco ears!!!!!!!!!!

Avery: HEHEHE. Where's ears?!?!

Me: I don't know! Where did your ears go? What's there now?!

Avery: I no no! HEHEHE

Me: Gee, they sure look like tasty ears!

Avery:(removing tacos) Dere dey are!!!!

Me: Aw, yay! There's your ears!!!!! Awesome!

Avery: (putting tacos back) Where's ears?!

Me: I dont' know but I'm so biting one of those tacos NOW!!!! (Lunging at her and crunching on one of the taco shells, eliciting extreme laughter from you know who!)

So then it was bath time.  It took forever to get Morgan's hair, which was knotted and dread locked because I never brush it because it's impossible and she screams bloody murder and hits me and cries for hours and I just have to rip all of the hair out because there's fuzz in it which makes the knots worse...you get the picture, pulled laterally to remove some of the knots because no comb in the world could battle this one...
Finding the linked hair, I'd have to pull, pull, left to right, repeatedly, working it apart as much as I could. For the most part she let me do it, but every now and then she'd feel a snag and turn all devil on me - MOMMY!!!!!!????? Ow!!!!! Stop! You hurtin' me! You said just a little bit and that hurts!

In my heart I feel badly, but what can I do!??! I have to get this junk out. So I lie.

Me: I'm almost done. (yeah, right)

Morgan: yeah?

Me: Yeah. no worries. Just hang on. Besides, you brush mommy's hair all the time and I don't cry. So don't cry....it'll be

Morgan: OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Me: Sorry!!!! Sorry!

Morgan: (With tears streaming down her face a bit of a booger starting to show in her left nostril, which means the right nostril ain't far behind...) You hurtin' me!!!!! STOP!!!!!!

Me: Oh, just deal with it. (Brush, brush brush)

Then they got baths and got wrapped in towels....

Then Morgan got all dressed up in her Cinderella gear and finally introduced that movie to Avery! Sorry the pic is dark. She was on the slide, fingers in mouth, staring at the screen!

But this is where things start to go downhill. I'll do my best to explain the images you're about to see. First, I'm sitting in front of Avery watching Cinderella. She's leaning full body on my back, finger brushing my hair. Sometimes it's okay. Sometimes it hurts. What you are about to see is me holding my phone camera up, hoping that I get the right angle. Even in pain.

Peek-a-boo. She thinks she's being funny looking over at the camera and pulling my hair backwards, effectively dragging me back into the chair with full force. I don't know why she likes getting smushed, but whatever.

Here she is pulling my hair. It was clear, so yay. Notice that she's still watching Cinderella and relying on sheer id to yank at my hair. Ow.

This is the part where you're gonna have to realize that the movement is just way too fast for my camera. And that's why the blurry motion is so funny. She's getting immense pleasure out of my pain. And loving it! Plus she looks a little devilish.

Maniacal laughter...

And we end with love for her babies.

And with Mor-ga-loo making fun faces!

Hair, Dogs, Fun, and Shaken Babies...

Today was all about fun and laughter. Thankfully, and by some glorious miracle, no one had a complete meltdown. Instead, we ran around like complete raving lunatics, screaming and yelling, "I'm fast!!!!!!" and eating waffles with sprinkles. But the best part was the 30 minutes we spent in Morgan's room together. In the dark.


I would insert a picture here, but it's pretty self explanatory.


Let's also take note of what was going on in the blackened room. While the lights were still on, I was on the phone with Granny Faye, and I had put that ever so wonderful life sustaining elixir that makes all of the pain and suffering and headaches and tension float gently away like a gossamer spider web broken in the breeze - Pinot Grigio - on Morgan's vanity. Sounds like a good idea when Avery is shoving her chin in my mouth while I go, "RARARARARA," making her laugh hysterically. Then? BLACKOUT!!!!! What!?!? And I mean pitch black. The kind of pitch black that if I reach for the wine and miss, I commit a horrible party foul...or more specifically, it's like the scene in "The Three Amigos" when Dusty Bottoms, Lucky Day, and Ned Nederlander are traveling, seemingly interminably, through the desert in search of the "Singing Bush." As they ride their horses, slowly, through the dry, heat-stricken land, Lucky Day (Steve Martin) attempts to drink water from his canteen. It's empty, and he, "luckily," gets a drop or two. Ned Nederlander (Martin Short) attempts a liquid replenishment as well, but shockingly....it's all sand! At least a pound plummets into his mouth and face! Ah! Then Dusty Bottoms (Chevy Chase) open his canteen, leans back, and pours a generous amount of...water into his mouth! Chug, chug, chug, GULP. Ahhhhhh. Chug, chug, swish around in mouth for awhile, SPIT!!! Incredulous looks from the other two.


This is how I feel about wasted wine. Heaven forbid a drop get wasted! But I digress. Back to the point...


It's DARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't risk reaching for my wine, so I politely say, "Morgan, can you please turn the light back on?"


Avery: LALALALALALA


Morgan: Nope.


Me: Morgan, mommy and Avery can't see anything. Can you please turn the lights back on? (I'm now feeling a slight sense of anxiety, both for the wine and because there are monsters with teeth named Avery in the dark. And as I've stated before, those teeth HURT!)


Avery: Chomp, chomp, chomp....


Me: (getting a little bit jacked up at the sound of pain)


Morgan: Nope.


Me: Why not? What's up, (gulp), with the lights off?


Morgan: Rarity and Twilight Sparkle have to take a nap. They need the lights off. Mommy, can you please turn on the machine? (The white noise machine that we use for sleepy time).


Me: Nope.


Avery: LADARARARALALALALAHAHAHAHAHA......(but the sounds are toddling further away from me.....)


Morgan: MOMMY?!?!?! Why not you do what I tell you?! (Yes, I know her grammar is atrocious. I'm drilling her for hours on end every day and she just isn't getting it.)


Me: I can't see the machine, Morgan.


Avery: (nearing the light switches) Blahblahblah, lalala, ooowy gooey elelelelelelelbooboo.


Me: (In my noggin - is Avery casting some sort of voodoo spell?)


Morgan: MOMMY!!!! The machine is RIGHT THERE!


Me: Yes, Morgan, I understand that, since things still exist in the dark, but since I can't SEE where it is and I don't want to risk spilling my wine, I'm not doing it.


Avery: hehehehe....


Morgan: MOMMY! Why not you listening  OOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!


Avery: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!


Morgan: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Me: (again in my noggin - Please God, turn on a light).


Avery: Mwah hahahaha (as she hurtles back into my lap because she thinks that Morgan is coming after her!)


Morgan: (FINALLY turning the lights back on!!!!!) AAAAAHHHHHH! Avery bit me!!!!!!!!!


Mommy: (after lunging for the Pinot...) what happened? What? What did Avery do to you? (sip,sip,sip...'in my noggin' "glad I avoided THAT shark attack!")


So now for some pictures:

Hair. Lots of it! You are looking at 30 minutes of brushing Savannah's (the Sheltie) hair...on ONE side. Good gracious!!!!! It's like we shed a whole new dog! Had we taken all of the poof that she expelled and glued it to an empty milk jug with some googly eyes and a curly tail we'd have a furry pig!

Avery took her own picture of her and the stuffed puppy. Good job!

Dancing - Morgan ran back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth as fast as she could, smashing herself into her stuffed animal collection each time! Her hair could barely keep up with her Speedy Gonzales feet! In theory, this was "dancing." While Avery marched to the original Mickey Mouse Clubhouse song...I know it's blurry, but she's hard to catch in a still life.

And here's Morgan in a circular dance rather than a linear sprint. Sorry about the glowing eyes, although I think it gives her a rather intense and scary look!

But there were some other funny moments, of course! Like I said earlier, Avery likes to pretend that all of her babies are real, and thus have to use the potty. However, just like real babies, fake babies have a tendency to fall in.

And, thus, this one needed some toilet paper to make it all better (sort of).


But Avery loves her babies, that's for sure! Here she is rocking a baby back and forth. If it were a real baby she'd give it shaken baby syndrome! This is why we are NOT having another baby! He or she would be in constant danger! Do you see the baby blur that whips back and forth?!?!? Jeez! Talk about whiplash!

But at the end of the day, all that matters is wearing the bottoms to mommy's bikini around her neck and mommy's sparkly cropped sweatpants while she eats a jar of jelly on a sandwich!

And all this in a two hour period....and all of it I'm so thankful for! What fun!! I have some pretty funny kids! Although I definitely break a sweat within 2 minutes and look at the clock waiting for 5:00 so I can legitimize the pouring of a drink and desperately wondering if I'll ever find time to do it all....


So here's a final image of Morgan as we play and cuddle before bed...

She's a great cuddle kid, but always needs something more...milk? waffles? ice cream? She'll say, "My tummy's not full!" And suck her tummy in so that it looks smaller. And so it begins...


How action packed was your day???
:)